I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
This baby is an asshole
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
