If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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