and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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