I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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