I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
