Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
