You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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