I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
