took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
