too bad you live with your parents still
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
