what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
