So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
