my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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