I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
