dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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