I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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