what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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