is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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