i just wanna soil my oats bro
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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