You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She bit a glass in half.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize