Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Randomize
