we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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