he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
