Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
