Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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