can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
