just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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