Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
