wanna go halves on a baby?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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