so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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