Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
