I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
