if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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