i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The uberlube is also flammable
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
