Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
