And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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