totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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