the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
