Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
