birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
