Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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