Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
