I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
be right there i have to get my cape
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
