I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Houston, we have a blender
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
