I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
