The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
