My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
