who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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