So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
