i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
