you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
