Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
