On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
