Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
