you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
