so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
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