How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
there was a trapeze. enough said
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
