When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
