i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
