Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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