I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
