God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
