my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
