I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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