So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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